


should've worshipped her sooner

by lucylikestowrite



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Eventual Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Smoaking Canary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-10 09:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3285143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucylikestowrite/pseuds/lucylikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity is a woman of routine. Routines make you vulnerable, and Sara was trained to recognise any and all vulnerabilities, as quickly as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. before

**Author's Note:**

> i don't care enough about arrow any more to worry that much about what actually happened in s2, so although this is meant to fit roughly within the canon, i'm not gonna bother too much with cross-checks

Felicity was a woman of routine. Routines make you vulnerable, and so Sara was trained to recognise any and all vulnerabilities, as quickly as possible.

Which means that it hadn't taken her much more than two weeks to notice that on Mondays and Thursdays, Felicity was at the Foundry before anyone else was, and that, by the time Sara turned up, she was looking more than a little exhausted, and a lot more rumpled than she usually did.

No-one else seemed to notice anything different -  Sara wasn't sure what was going on in their brains - Felicity, on those days, was obviously not her usual together self, but maybe men just don't pay attention to stray hairs and too-pink cheeks.

Or maybe Sara paid too much attention to the small things.

(Maybe Sara paid too much attention to Felicity.)

Whatever it was that led Sara to noticing Felicity's new morning activities, the fact was that it wasn't hard to figure out what she was doing. Obviously twenty minutes with a training dummy hadn't been enough for her - and Felicity, proud, stubborn Felicity, didn't want to ask for any more help.

Which is frankly ridiculous because she should've known that Sara would be more than happy to help her.

And so that was how Sara ended up quietly opening the door to the Foundry at 7:30am the next Thursday morning. She hadn't been up this early in a frighteningly long time, and thankfully her body seemed to be enjoying it, and not rejecting it like she had feared.

The second she is in the door, she can hear the sound of a fist hitting leather, and in the corner of her eye, she can see a blonde ponytail flying everywhere.

(She ignores the traitorous butterflies in her stomach, and the pounding in her chest that must surely be counteracting the stealth of her footsteps.)

Sara approaches quietly, her face set because she's trying so hard not to laugh - Felicity's technique is adorably wrong, but Sara feels like laughing my irrevocably wound her pride. She makes it all the way to a couple of feet behind her before Felicity's head whips round in a flurry of blonde hair, her mouth opening in shock and her body moving into a defensive stance which also adorably wrong.

She relaxes when she sees that it's Sara. "Okay - do not do that again. You almost gave me a heart attack. Like, a real one. This body is far too worn out to survive being shocked like that more than once," she says, grabbing at a water bottle behind her, eyes fixed warily on Sara. "Why do you look so angry?"

Sara doesn't want to tell her that she's actually trying not to laugh.

"You look like you're about to attack me."

Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Felicity looks down and mutters something that Sara can't hear, then looks up and her eyes widen as she advances. "Wait, no- no, I was joking. It was a joke! Did you forget about those while you were in Nanda Par-"

To give credit where credit is due, Felicity's defence, if inaccurate - her fists seem to be flying anywhere and everywhere - is not inefficient, and she manages to fight Sara off. For about 20 seconds. And then Sara overpowers her, one hand around her chest.

"If I had a gun right now, you could already be dead, you know."

Felicity ducks out from under her arm, her own arms crossed. "Which is why I'm trying to train myself." She leans against the surface behind her, her chest rising and falling rapidly. "Did you really have to do that?"

Her head tilts to one side as she says this, and something in Sara's stomach flips.

Sara shrugs. "I wanted to catch you off guard. See what we had to work with."

"We? As in," she gestures, "you and me? I don't need help."

"Yes you do."

"I don't. I can do this on my own."

Sara steps forward, grabs Felicity's hand, and a split second later, Felicity is lying flat on her back on the training mat. Sara offers a hand.

"Are you going to flip me again?," Felicity is staring daggers and looking impressively menacing from the position she's in. "Because I'm not letting you help me if you keep flipping me."

"No more flipping. I promise. Or at least not without warning."

Felicity seems to weigh it up in her head, before taking Sara's hand. "You have to promise not to laugh when I'm really bad."

"You're cute."

She punches her on the arm. "That doesn't count as a promise," she pauses, and Sara turns around and heads towards the weapons cabinet. Or case. Or box. Whatever you call the pretentious glass containers that Ollie saw fit to install. "Flirting is not a promise."

It's probably a good thing that Sara isn't facing her. She picks a handgun out of the case, emptying the bullets one by one, a good excuse not to turn around until she's wiped the smile off of her face. She walks back towards Felicity, the gun in her waistband.

"Wait. Guns already. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to use one of them in here. I might accidentally kill you."

Sara laughs. "It'd take much more than you to get rid of me for good. Plus, I emptied it - did you not hear?"

"No. I think my ears are still ringing. I wonder why..." She looks pointedly at Sara.

"Right, right, I got it," Sara holds up her hands in surrender. "No more flipping. But you do need to know this. That hold I had you in earlier? The bad guys seem to love it. The point is, even if they're holding a gun to your head, as long as you don't hesitate too long, it's super easy to get out of. Lemme show you."

Once Sara has manoeuvred them back into the positions they were in, she pulls out the gun. She feels Felicity flinch, and truth be told, she doesn't much like it either.

"Okay, so what you're gonna do is grab the gun, get them away from you as quickly as possible - probably with your elbow or your shoulder - and then hit them as hard as you can."

"Do you want me to do that to you?"

"Sure. I've had worse."

Felicity's swing is surprisingly powerful, and after a few practices at each part of the move, and more than a few failed attempts to disarm Sara, she has it almost perfect.

"Okay. That's enough for one day," Sara says, picking up the jacket that she'd shed what seems like hours ago.

"So I can't punch you any more?" Felicity asks, a slight pout on her lips.

"You got something against me?"

Felicity smiles sweetly. "You're cute."

Sara's aim is (unsurprisingly) good, and the jacket lands right on Felicity's head. Felicity keeps walking. "You're not getting this back. I'm the Canary now."

\--

And so Sara gets a routine as well - she can almost feel Nyssa scolding her for it, but Nyssa is in the past and Felicity is the present and needs her every Monday and Thursday from 6:45am until 8:45am. Which means that Sara is there. Every Monday and Thursday. And sometimes other days, and other times.

(She is so whipped.

She's a little bit in love.

She's totally in love and she has no idea how obvious it is.

She's also pretty sure that Felicity's training tops are getting more and more low-cut.

And sometimes she thinks that Felicity flirts back, but she's never quite sure, because Felicity is like the sun, and if she looks too closely it burns.)

\--

"Okay. I'm ready to do the flipping. I think I can fight you off now."

Sara raises an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Absolutely. I can do this."

She absolutely can't do it, and she lands flat on her back once again, but this time she's smiling.

"Why are you smiling? You just failed. You know that, right?"

"I'm smiling because you're looking at my face and not my feet."

"What-"

Felicity's ankle hooks around Sara's, and she's crashing downwards, stopping herself just before she fully collides with Felicity, propped up on her elbows, and far too close for comfort.

"I don't see how that was a good idea. I nearly stabbed you with my limbs." She should move but she doesn't.

"You like me far too much for that to happen."

Sara doesn't say anything.

"You're giving me that look again." Felicity presses her lips together.

Sara blinks, then remembers the very first 'session'. "Like I'm about to attack you?"

"Like you're about to jump me."

"Oh." She stares for a moment longer, and Felicity stares back, almost defiant.

Her abs give in, and everything gives in, and she kisses Felicity at the same time as she collapses against her, her hair falling over both of their faces, and she definitely shouldn't have waited this long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you hadn't figured it out, this is the fluff part. it's shippy and tropey and hopefully okay. sorry.


	2. After

When Sara had left, Felicity had known that it was the only thing she could have done. She knew that if she hadn't left with the League, they would've killed her. But that didn't seem to make it sting less, didn't make it feel less like there was a part of her missing, didn't make it hurt less that she'd hardly said goodbye. Nothing did. Sara was gone and she was alone again, and that was that.

Then, when the date with Oliver went disastrously, it made everything worse. In truth, she probably wasn't as invested in it as she once would've been. She was distracted and distant and maybe just a little bit on the rebound - but he didn't know that. He didn't know that anything ever happened, that she had spent months training with her, that when Sara had finally kissed her it felt a little like floating and little like falling and entirely like happiness - and that now she is gone Felicity is missing her more than she ever thought she could.

He didn't know any of that. Which means that he doesn't know how her stomach flips when she hears that voice over the comms.

_"Don't look so surprised; I haven't been gone that long."_

Felicity's heart is beating fast in her chest because she's _back_. She's back and for a few wonderful minutes she allows herself to think that she's come back for her, that they'll be able to pick up where they left off and everything will be okay. That's all Felicity wants right now. That's all Felicity has wanted from the moment Sara set foot on that boat. Her mind is racing with possibility. She's going to see her again, going to hold her again, going to kiss her-

Oliver hasn't turned off the comms. She probably shouldn't keep listening, should probably turn it off. But she doesn't.

_"You look well. How's Nanda Parbat?"_

_"Hot. It's good to see you."_

_"You've been missed."_   Felicity almost laughs. If only he knew.

 _"I was on my way to see Laurel when I picked up your radio chatter."_   Felicity's heart sinks in her chest, a familiar feeling by now. Of course she wasn't here to see her. Why would she be? _"You should tell Felicity to mix up her frequencies a bit."_

_"That's a good tip. Is this permanent, you being back? I hope so."_

_"We'll see. How're you doing?"_

_"... working through... a few things."_

_"Word of advice? We're not our masks, and we need people in our lives who don't wear one."_   Once upon a time maybe this would've given Felicity hope. Now it just seems like some sort of blessing that she doesn't want.

Finding Sara's frequency isn't hard, and it gives her a little bit of a kick hacking into it, after what she said.

"What was that all about?"

There is a moment of silence while Sara registers the voice in her ear, then a sigh.

"So you heard?"

"Oliver didn't turn off the comms. I didn't mean to listen."

"But you did."

"But I did," Felicity pauses, trying to steady her breathing.

"I meant what I said."

"Then why," she tries - and fails - to stop her voice from cracking. "Why did it sound like you weren't talking about us?"

"Because I wasn't." It is then that Felicity realises that she is crying, but she's not entirely sure when she started.

"Why?"

"You and Ollie could work. We couldn't. I'm not a safe person to be in love with."

"And he is?"

Felicity can almost see her conceding the point.

"He's saf _er_. He doesn't owe an allegiance to deadliest assassins in the world. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have- I shouldn't have done that to you. That wasn't fair to you."

"You make it sound like I want something safe."

"Maybe not, but it's what you deserve."

There is a long silence.

"Can you at least come by? I need to say goodbye." Felicity figures that she can get her to stay if she can just touch her again.

"I can- I can do that. After I've seen Laurel."

"I-" The line cuts off just before Felicity can tell her. She sighs as she takes the earpiece out, wiping tears out from under her glasses.

After that it's a blur because Lyla's had the baby and Ray keeps popping up everywhere, and she can't think straight, and she's maybe harsher on Oliver than she would be usually, and when he kisses her she tries not to feel like she's kissing the wrong vigilante, tries to feel something for him, and maybe she does, maybe there's a small something there but she doesn't want there to be. She doesn't want Sara to be right.

Sara doesn't come. Felicity should've known something was seriously wrong, and maybe she did, at the back of her mind, but she tried to convince herself that it was all part of the clean break, that Sara had sussed on to her plans.

\--

The next day her whole world falls apart.

Sara is lying on the bench, red staining her breast, arrows in her stomach and it is like the arrows have pierced Felicity as well. She does not know what she is saying, only that she is scrambling because she can't be dead.

she

     can't-

she can't

    be

s h e -

She touches her arm and it feels like her fingertips are burning with the life that was there. She half expects to see her fingers covered in ash. The tears are flowing freely, getting in her hair and her clothes and she is in so much pain. So much more pain than any of them know. She is breaking apart, bit by bit, piece by piece, parts of her soul tearing off and begging to follow Sara into the unknown.

She stays near her as the others filter in and filter out, the one thought resounding in her mind being that this was not how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to come back to Felicity and let herself be convinced to stay and everything was going to be fine.

Everything was going to be okay.

Eventually the tears stop flowing. Maybe she is just numb or maybe she has run out of tears to cry, maybe she is done. Maybe this is the end for her, too. It certainly feels that way. Every second she has to spend looking at her body feels like walls closing in on her, but she can't move away.

It's all a gruesome joke. She pulls the arrows out with the help of Roy and it feels a little like desecration. She cleans her up as much as she can but the red of her blood has dyed her suit, dark red standing out harshly against the black. The red is still matted in her hair, another symbol of her strength marred.

She tells Roy that she always saw her as invincible, that she was jealous because she never could be, but this is not the whole truth; she had known that if Sara was around, she was safe.

That was it. Sara had made her feel safe, made her feel strong, made her feel like she didn't have to worry. Even when she took a bullet for her she's sure it had hurt less than it should have because it was for Sara. When Sara used to kiss her, it was liking being graced by a little bit of heaven. Now that she is gone, Felicity can already feel herself sinking. She is not sure if the pain is better or worse with the fact that Sara had already been gone for so long, but she thinks it's probably worse because she never properly said goodbye.

\--

Alone, she's drowning in these feelings that no-one else knows about, and she knows she has to tell _someone_. So she tells Laurel.

"I loved her," she says to her when it is just the two of them in the foundry.

"We all did," Laurel says through tears that are still slowly flowing, not quite getting it.

"No, I _loved_ her." Laurel looks up in recognition. "And she loved me. I think. We never really properly..."

Neither of them has to say anything else.

\--

Felicity knows logically that in time the pain will fade, but right now it doesn't feel like that will ever be possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and as the tag goes.... there was the angst. as you may have noticed, this is now a three part story... i wonder if you can guess why. who knows, maybe i'll actually write the third part. maybe, maybe not. this fits in a slightly alternate canon where felicity's feelings for oliver are just a bit muted, but everything else is p much the same. cool cool. this made me super sad so it better make other people even more sad. As always, kudos appreciated and comments more so.


	3. beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only sorta compliant this is gonna be is gonna be sara is alive compliant. obvs in LoT she's not gonna have time to come back and hang in starling city. and OBVS olicity didn't happen at the end of s3. this is just getting less and less canon compliant basically

It is January 8th 2016, and Sara has been gone for exactly one year and three months. Not that Felicity is keeping track. If she had a therapist (maybe she should get a therapist) they would tell her that it was unhealthy. That keeping things like this at the forefront of your mind can only prolong the suffering. She would tell this imaginary therapist that this is the only way she can cope.

And it is - if she doesn't directly think about Sara it hangs over her, malignant thoughts at the back of her mind, and it's easier to address them than to let them fester.

This isn't to say she hasn't tried ignoring the thoughts - she tried well enough to manage to date Ray and even Oliver for a little bit, but it all came back to Sara. She still missed her an immense amount, and for the foreseeable future, she wasn't going to manage to be with anyone else, that was for sure.

Her life had fallen into some sort of routine, a routine she could deal with. A routine that had stayed constant for multiple months.

Which was why it was incredibly alarming to be woken at one in the morning by a loud and disturbing crash from the downstairs of her house.

Felicity scrambles for her glasses (she's not going into this blind) and races downstairs, the knife that she was persuaded to keep in her bedroom drawer in hand, terrified. When she gets to the bottom of her stairs, she turns on the light, expecting the worst.

And sees Nyssa standing in the middle of the room.

"Nyssa?" To say she is confused would be an understatement. "What are you doing in my living room? In the middle of the night?"

"She kept saying your name. Over and over. I cannot stay with her," she says, a pained look on her face. "Malcolm will be looking for us, and I must lead him astray. You must do what I cannot and keep her safe. They will come for her but I will try to slow them down."

In her haze of sleepiness, Felicity doesn't have time to question who Nyssa is referring to, or why she would think on any planet that someone would be safer with Felicity than her, before she's glancing at Felicity's couch, pursing her lips as if she wants to say something more, and gone, leaving nothing behind but a set of wet footprints.

Felicity takes a step towards her couch. Sees a lock of blonde hair. Takes another step. Catches her breath because oh, god, that's Sara. She takes all the rest of the steps at once and she's collapsing next to her. Her eyes are closed; she's sleeping, but she's alive. There's colour in her cheeks and her chest is rising and falling and her eyelids are flickering and her fingers are moving slightly and she's _alive_.

she's alive she's alive she's alive

She doesn't care how or why. All she cares is that she's right here, in front of her.

She intertwines a finger with hers, determined not to wake her, and tells herself that she can stay awake for the whole night just to keep watch. She doesn't last very long, her head falling onto the space between Sara's arm and the edge of the couch.

\--

She wakes to a whisper in her ear. "Stay down. There's someone outside. They might know that I'm here."

Felicity blearily rubs the sleep out of her eyes, not entirely with it. She wakes up a bit more when she sees Sara - oh god, Sara, that wakes her up - moving towards a silhouette at her door that is definitely familiar and decidedly unthreatening. Scrambling, she reaches her before she can do any damage, steering her away from the door by her shoulders.

"Please don't take out my postman. He's one of the good guys, I promise," she says, one hand moving down her arm to clasp Sara's hand again.

Sara stops and fully looks at Felicity for the first time. "I'm sorry. I thought..."

"No, god, it's okay. Don't... apologise. I can kinda understand why you might be a little confused, what with having just come back from the dead and everything, I mean, woah, that must be pretty disorienting, right? I mean, I personally have never done it, but Thea was pretty confused after the Lazarus Pit and she wasn't even dead for that long. It was the Lazarus Pit, right? I haven't heard of any other methods for resurrection although I suppose maybe there is one."

Sara just smiles, gripping her hand a little tighter, and sweeping a strand of Felicity's hair off her face and behind her ear.

"I'm babbling and you're- you're actually alive," and the way she breathes it sounds a little like a prayer.

"Yeah. Yeah I am." Sara smiles wider, that smile still the same and still perfect and now Felicity's smiling, beaming, tears rolling down her face at the same time. And Sara kisses her, pulling her against her, a hand on the back of Felicity's neck, kissing her in a way that is not careful or safe or really any way that a person who was dead until not long ago should be acting.

She's still crying, and maybe Sara is too, but it's okay now, because after so long tears of grief are anything but, and Sara just keeps kissing her, and when her phone starts and she has to move away from the wall she's now pressed against, Sara doesn't let go of her hand, just laughs quietly while Felicity tells work that she's 'very very sick'.

Felicity makes them breakfast and Sara keeps eating, probably an unsurprising fact as she hasn't eaten in over a year, and Felicity just watches, blissfully happy.

"You haven't stopped staring at me for about ten minutes," Sara says, not looking up as she finishes her fourth - no - fifth, bowl of cereal.

"I think you might have to get used to that."

"You realise at some point we'll have to tell the others, right?"

Felicity nods. "But I think I'm allowed to be selfish for a day or two."

"I can work with that." She leans over the breakfast bar to pull Felicity into another kiss.

Felicity is pretty sure this is what heaven feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tada! i was gonna hold off on posting this but eh


End file.
